Pairing: Joe Dick/Cosmo

Rating: That's a tough one. NC-17, I guess, because I really wouldn't want to traumatize any children. Also, rated S for silly and T for twisted.

Summary: Written for Miss Pamela's Joe, You Ignorant Slut challenge. Cosmo, for anyone that's curious, is from Nickelodeon's Fairly Odd Parents. Joe Dick is a character in the movie, Hard Core Logo. In other words, this is a sick attempt at a crossover. :g:

Disclaimer: No way either of these guys is mine.

Cosmo Goes Astray

A. Kite (May 2004)

Joe Dick woke to a little guy with green hair hovering over him. He knew he must be fucked up something awful because he thought the dude had wings. He rose up off the bed he was laying on to get a better look.

"Hi! I'm Cosmo!" The little guy stopped for a minute, then said, "Oh yeah, Wanda's not here." Joe thought he heard him mumble, "The bitch."

He started out again in full voice. "Hi! I'm Cosmo! And I'm your Fairy Godparent!"

"What the fuck?" Bright colored lights had come on behind the little dude and they spelled out the words, "Fairy Godparents." "Who the fuck are you?"

The little dude just looked at him. "What? Are you deaf?"

"No, I'm not fucking deaf, asshole, but you know I got this bullet stuck here in my brain." Joe touched his head. Yep, the bullet was still there. His hand came away bloody. "Jesus, my head is killing me. Make it stop."

The green haired guy asked, "Was that a wish?"

"Yeah, it was a fucking wish."

"All right!"

Poof!

The bullet was gone from Joe's head, and he could see better now there wasn't blood running in his eyes. The dude did have green hair, a wand and wings, a little crowny thing. "God damn, I need some blow."

"Some blow?"

"Yeah, you know what I fucking mean. Some blow, some dust, I wish I had some."

"Ooooh! Sure, me too! That's what I do, grant wishes."

Poof!

There it was: two lines of white powder on a mirror, two straws. The little dude yelled, "Me first, me first!" He grabbed one of the straws and snorted the shit right up his nose. "Wheeee!" The fucker was flying in circles around the room.

Joe shook his head, thinking, that must be some good stuff. He snorted the other line and waited for the rush to hit. Nothing happened and after a couple of minutes, still nothing happened. The little dude, what'd he say his name was? Oh yeah, Cosmo. He was still flying around yelling, "Whee!" It was starting to get on Joe's nerves.

"Hey, you! Cosmo! Cut that the fuck out. Get back down here and tell me what this shit is."

"What? You don't know fairy dust when you see it? Sorry, I guess it doesn't have the same affect on humans."

Cosmo flew closer, and Joe grabbed him by the throat. "You little fuckhead. I want cocaine, and I want it now."

Though his eyes were beginning to pop out, Cosmo managed to strangle out, "Sorry, but that'd be against..." he paused dramatically, and this big fucking book slammed down out of nowhere. It startled Joe so much that he lost his grip on the fairy's throat.

There in big letters on the cover of the book was written: Da Rules. Cosmo flew over and started flipping pages. "See? It's here toward the back. It's a pretty new rule. Caused that one to be made myself. Here is it, 'Fairies must not make any chemical substances known to be harmful to their godchild.'"

"Fuck, I guess that means a bottle of Jack is out too."

"Jack? Jack, who?"

"Oh, fucking forget it," Joe grumbled and lay back down. Maybe if he ignored the little shit, it'd go away. He lit a cigarette and blew the smoke straight at Cosmo.

That didn't deter the fairy one bit. "Come on, Joey. Don't you want to play?"

Joe threw the cigarette on the floor and said, "The name is Joe, Joe Dick, and don't you fucking forget it." He scratched his crotch and thought for a second. "Yeah, I wanna play. You're a fucking fairy. You grant wishes. I wish you'd come over here and suck my cock."

Cosmo was shocked. "Hey! I'm a hetero fairy. I got a wife."

Joe just laughed. "Yeah, so? Where is she now?"

The fairy hedged away. "Well, you know...we had this fight. Nag, nag, nag, that's all she did. Cosmo, do to this. Cosmo, don't do that. Cosmo, you never help me clean the fish bowl. Blah, blah, blah. I left her ass with the last godkid."

Joe nodded, acting all sympathetic. "Yeah, broads, only one thing they're good for. Bet you're pretty horny by now, eh?"

Cosmo had moved in closer. He never was a very bright fairy. As soon as he was in range, Joe grabbed him again. "Hey, I've got a better idea. I wish your ass was big enough for me to fuck."

"Help! Wanda! Timmy! Anybody?!"

The End?