Title: REGRET

Author: A. Kite (Akite68163@aol.com)

Series: Star Trek: The Original Series

Part: 1/1

Codes: Kirk/Spock

Rating: R for the theme of the story.

Warning: Death story ahead. If you're not into that, stop now! It's rather maudlin, but hopefully not to the sappy stage.

Summary: Spock's thoughts on his deathbed. A vignette.

Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom owns all except the idea behind this story. No copyright infringement intended, no money being made.

Archiving: Permission given to ASC/EM, PKElite, Slashville and to my own webpage: www.geocities.com/tlin_s/a_kite/

Thanks to all the wonderful TOS writers on ASCEM. They made me believe in K/S again. Thanks to Bridget for the beta and support, even though she's a nonbeliever. ;-)

Comments and constructive criticism are welcome either privately or publicly and always answered.


REGRET A. Kite (August 2000)

Computer, open personal log.

It is strange how the habits of a lifetime still linger. Now as I am close to death, I feel the need to record my reasoning.

I am tired of life, of living. Death is welcome here.

I am alone. There will be no one to take my Katra to the Hall of Memory. This is good. It is what I wish.

I hope that in releasing my spirit to wherever it would go that it will be taken to the place that I long to be.

With Jim, with my t'hy'la. I was not with him when he died.

Yes, I have many regrets. That I was not on the Enterprise B when the Nexus took Jim Kirk is one of them. When I was unable to get to Viridian III when he was released from the Nexus is another. I heard his mind call to mine, but I was too late.

The biggest regret I have is that he did not know of my love for him while he lived. I denied him and the emotion. I denied myself of happiness in this life. I hope to reconcile that in the next.

Why did I not confess my feelings? Why did I deny them even in the fire of Pon Farr? I should have died then and every time afterwards. He would not let me.

He quenched my fire, and still I denied him. Vulcan pride and tradition, I refute tradition now.

I can only hope that my half human soul is enough to take me to him. I can only hope he can forgive me.

There are none in this time to grieve that I am gone. All who knew me are dead. I am ready to join them. Here I am but an icon of a bygone era.

A lonely shell of the man I could have been. With only my intellectual achievements to comfort me. I welcome death. Let it take me.

Jim...

The recording ran on for many seconds before the computer noted the lack of anymore input and shut itself off.

The End